Hoping to start posting again soon- got all sorta of ideas I want to write out :)

My Sincere Apologies

I haven't meant to not do ANYTHING for so long! After those last two rather pretentious bits of "fiction," I've just been mentally and physically beat- my sincere apologies! I will be posting more often with things of actual import- promise!

Take care and thank you again! Stick in there :)

I don't Know How To Say This.

I've enjoyed going to Mick's for a long time. How long, I couldn't tell you. It doesn't matter, you see.

I thought it did. I thought it made a difference too.

I- damn it, this isn't getting any  easier. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.

I thought I was real too.

You think it hurts to find out at my base, my core, I have nothing? I lived here in this city for over fifteen years before we ran into each other!

Gods it hurts inside. Is this emotion or am I-

I- don't know if- if I died in the waking world, or if-

If-

I don't think I ever existed outside the Draylands, and I don't know what when I started- oh ow.

Ow. Oh no.

I think this is- Ow, oh god, ow, Ow, OW

Please-

please

It's because of you I am what I am.

Please, go downstairs. Look in the box. that crate, in the far south corner. That's me.

That's me.

I... am mullosc-like. Normally I would have no intelligence. My species has none. What I have is all given from you.

Imagine that. Everything I am, is because you misunderstand what I am. It's as if at any moment you and everyone you know can take away all that. No- that's exactly what can happen. Exactly what can happen.

I live on the cusp of losing everything- my mind is because you believe I have one. My brain, my intelligence, my smarts-

All you draymers. I love you and I hate you.

Please- sit, have a cup of coffee! Look- the sun shines so beautiful through the windows- watch the light refract and glow on the wall- Amazing-

I can see it and appreciate it because of you, you beautiful bastard- Let me fill your cup. Good coffee, isn't it?

It's the best you can possibly imagine.

This is an important video, eye opening.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZHmivGmkjJw is the link and I SERIOUSLY suggest you check it out. It talks about INTENDED PLAY. It opened my EYES on what intended play is supposed to be. If you CAN do something in the game, you SHOULD. It doesn't matter if you personally do or do not want- if you CAN do it, it is PLANNED ON, it is CONTENT.

As pointed out, in DARK SOULS the game, you CAN kill everyone, even though you "shouldn't". But if you don't, you are crippling yourself- HUGE amounts of the game open if IF YOU SLAUGHTER EVERYONE. That is content the devs WANT you to play!

If you CAN do it in game, you SHOULD- no matter WHAT it is!

Eye opener for me!

Prologue

Jeremy muscled his way past Ms. Truman and knocked the Mayor's door right open. The Mayor himself, Haymen Salish, was in as Jeremy knew he would be- the fat slob always ate lunch at his desk every day. Like fat clockwork.

"Mayor, this ain't gonna work," he said as half of Salish's sandwich slid with a wet PLOP into his lap. Salish looked down at his lap, at the sandwich in his hand and sighed. He lifted the thick cloth napkin from his lap; the sandwich collapse was a fairly common occurrence."Next week is the 6tgh of September."

"I know this, Jerry," said Salish as he took a fresh napkin to his lips, then lap. "The stars have spoken. Next week is the 6tgh, right after the 6th. Every 100 years like clockwork. My father dealt with it, his father dealt with it, all the way back to the founding of Salish Block. We've dealt with the 6tgh of September for a very long time."

"Then what in the name of tarnation we got a stranger coming into town in a Uhaul, bringing his whole damned family with him?" Jeremy calmed himself- he hadn't taken his blood pressure medication this morning and could feel his pressure climbing. "The mist starts tonight- ain't no one in town going out after dark until after the 7th safely arrives. Are you gonna tell 'em? Or you just gonna let 'em get- you know?" He dragged his extended index finger over his throat with a low gurgle and the Mayor turned a pale green.

"I can send Sandy out to talk to them," said Salish, referring to the petite Ms. Truman outside the office. Sandy was competent enough at her work although Salish had clearly hired her for her looks.

"Where are they staying?" asked Jeremy then and Salish looked quickly away, out the window.

"Oh, Lambert sold them the Winslett house yesterday," he said. Then, standing, he quickly helped Jeremy to one of the chairs in his office- Jeremy had gone pale and clammy at the news.

"Everything'll be fine," said Salish as he handed Jeremy his cardboard cup of caffeinated soda. "Don't worry. This is JUST what Salish's Block has needed for a long time."

I may be able to get some videos done for my game channel

and that is a very good thing! :) I am working on thoughts for things, should have some new fiction coming up very soon!

Today I actually got some stuff done!

A very good thing :) I am rendering, as I type this, my 1st game video for my game channel in some days- it's been so hot I've usually fallen asleep all evening! Last night and tonight I've actually been awake!

Yay :)

Thank you all that read this for continuing to do so, it is GREATLY appreciated. I know I don;t say much here but what little I do say means a lot. Thank you all.

My biggest issue with the adpocalypse on YouTube.

I don't get paid for reaction videos. They are copyrighted material; copyrighted material gets the COPYRIGHT HOLDER paid. There is nothing wrong with that- the Music Policies on YouTube spell out which songs you can react to and what the Copyright Holder's say you can do. Most are FINE with you reacting/showing.playing their music- BUT you don't get paid, THEY do.

Not a problem. I can handle that. Mostly makes sense, too :) I don't agree they should get the ENTIRE video's revenue, but there you go. I am no lawyer; I have no options. Follow the rules, or don't play the game.

I used to do my daily reaction video gratis for all my subscribers. I didn't get paid for them, I still don't, but my OTHER videos at least "paid" for the luxury of doing reactions for my subscribers.

What with the recent YouTube issues, where anything even slightly controversial is demonetized, I'll upload THREE videos in a day and get paid for maybe ONE if I am lucky. No more do I have TWO videos to help "pay" for the reaction. Now I frequently have TWO or THREE demonetized videos in a day.

I can't AFFORD that :( If I don't get paid for my vlog and my game videos, I CAN'T keep doing reaction videos where I get the COPYRIGHT HOLDER some cash, but me- nuthin'.

What a conundrum! My channel's growth was BUILT on my reactions- if I stop doing them, what will happen to my channel? Likely death. But I don't get PAID for them and right now, cash is sort of at a premium :(, then I can't keep up doing what I am doing.

I do not know what is going to happen :( I really wish YouTube wasn't doing this to us, the people that BUILT it.

Oh well. Life is life.

:(

And my housemates came back last night.

So NOW, within the next few days, we MUST have the talk. I HAVE to talk to them and get this out BEFORE the 3rd of next month.

Oh man, I really do not want to do this. I am passive; I hate conflict. But I CAN'T let this situation continue.

Sigh.

Here's hoping! :)

My housemates have gone camping

and last night was a VERY bad night. Insomnia, anxiety. It was after 3 AM when I fell asleep- a little after 5 AM when pain woke me. So yay.

Another night by myself. It's okay, today I feel much better about things. Which is good, considering if things don't go well in the next few days, I may be living here alone. I hope, anyway.

So we shall see! Hang in there- I promise I won't stop posting and writing fiction!

I am very worried.

I have no money. Literally, at this time, no money. I am going to have a talk with some people who have put me in this situation and I really do not know what is going to happen. It may be very bad.

But at this moment my comp is sick and getting sicker. If it dies, I go dark and that's it- I am GONE. I have NO money. I cannot even afford a CELL phone- I will be GONE.

I'm freaking out about this and I do not know what to do what with Youtube demonetizing EVERYONE and EVERYTHING and I am suffering from financial... trouble, shall we say, tho  a better word for it starts with "A".

I dunno if, when I woke at 5 am,

it was a migraine that woke me, or if I just noticed I had a migraine after I woke up.

Today has been a very painful day.

more tomorrow, promise!

Before the end of the month

I am going to be having a meeting with some people. It may well not be a good meeting- I can only hope it is. It may so pear shaped and quickly. I simply and literally have no idea and it's driving me crazy. I wish I had more I could say on this right now but I simply cannot. I sorry :(

But, while not dead,

I still tend to fall asleep in the evening. Sigh. A combo of poor sleep (I sleep very little, pain wakes me after only a few hours) and the heat.

So much yay :)

Take care :)

I am not dead, I have not given up on this blog!

Honestly, I have not. But in the morning time, it is difficult to type for a few reasons. Early morning it takes me a few hours to be awake enough to type legibly and intelligently. Unlike my mouth which can just turn on and GO with little to no input from my brain, my fingers require a LOT of paying attention to when I type, especially since I am a two-finger typer... I type with the index finger of my left hand, my middle finger on my right, and I hit the space bar with... with either thumb, depending on how I feel at the time. I CAN type 104 WPM with 0 errors when I try- I don't try all that often :)

But this summer has been HOT and HUMID and I cannot handle heat well at ALL as I have gotten older. Heat just  KNOCKS ME OUT- I either literally fall completely asleep where ever I am, OR I enter a dazed/confused state... I am not asleep, but I am not awake either. I am... not functioning, but still DOING things that I cannot remember, explain, or wish to have happened. I have come out of my daze to find I have turned off my computer; I have switched off every functional program and RESET my desktop with the taskbar on the side, small flickering icons, etc.

I HATE the heat. I like being functional and efficient and the heat robs me of that.

I am so sorry :(

I know I complain about the heat a lot

but I do NOT do heat well. I have been DYING from sweating so much - ARGH. So hard to make videos when the heat makes me PASS OUT. Oh yay!

SO I am sorry- doing my best!

Thank you everyone, you diehards you, who leave me comments!

I am sorry I don't answer comments more often and I am sorry that when I do they are usually so short. I thank you all so very much for any comments I receive and it is awesome- thank you all so very much!!

How sustainable actually is it that I am doing 5 daily videos?

I literally have no time to do... anything really, all day, but prepare to make videos, make videos, and edit those videos I have made. And I don't mind that at ALL- it keeps me busy and NOT being busy is my bane. When I have nothing to do, I sit and brood over the death of my wife and I don;t want to do that and I know Jennifer wouldn;t want me to do that. So I do my best to stay busy! And right now, making videos is the best way for me to stay busy.

Hopefully,  my game channel and game videos can actually take off. If it doesn't and stays just a low-level channel with only a few hundred subs- again, this is ALL therapy, so it's all good!

Have a great day ebbryoon!

Yesterday I paid my lawyer the $500 he needed to finally get this bankruptcy DONE.

I had to take an online course to show I was a good person. So I did. Took a test to show that indeed I am a good person and paid attention. The certificate cost $25 and it was faxed to my attorney. He'll do $25 worth of work and take my $500 as more money he soaked from me.

But at least it's DONE.

FINALLY :)