Monday, February 27, 2017

I Am A Physical Wreck... And Yet...

Starting from my feet and working up, just because (and I am leading up to a point :)... I have FLAT FEET and wear orthopedic devices in my shoes; I have damaged both KNEES and frequently have to brace all the muscles in my right knee because otherwise everything is going to Let Go; I have had SO many back injuries I can't even count but it's over 10, and the last was also the worst- it took me out of the work force. The CHRONIC PAIN from my back injuries is terrible- I take 5 mgs of METHADONE 4 times per day for this alone. The nerve damage from my back injuries causes neuropathy in my lower legs and feet (both pain AND loss of use), numbness in both upper thighs AND all up my back up to my shoulder blades, severe sciatica, Restless Leg Syndrome, and more. I have abraded BOTH of my radial nerves on my right and left arms, leading to partial paralysis in both arms and hands, although my right hand is much worse than my left (perhaps 5% deficit in my left, 20% deficit in my right... my right hand is clumsy as a fingerless club most of the time). I have no natural curve in my neck- my neck juts straight out from my shoulders and THAT is wrong.

I also suffer from FIBROMYALGIA- I was diagnosed 10 years ago after suffering 10 years before that. This causes pain from my toenails to my hair; constant chronic pain. Couple that with constant fatigue AND what is "fondly" known as FIBRO FOG (inability to concentrate or think clearly) and fibromyalgia ain't fun.

Add my mental issues on top of that (another post entirely!) and it adds up to no fun (especially since depression makes pain hurt worse, which makes depression worse, which makes pain hurt worse, which...).

My point?

I have NO CLUE why I wake up every day just GLAD TO BE ALIVE. Every time there has been a light at the end of the tunnel it has ALWAYS been another oncoming train. I just have time to dust myself off before the NEXT disaster. And yet...

And yet, every day is a Brand New Day, filled with promise and threat, hope and pain. I wake up after each day, no matter HOW horrible the previous day, smile as best I can, and go on to meet the day... even if the light of the sunrise is another oncoming train :)

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