Thursday, October 5, 2017

My Sincere Apologies

I haven't meant to not do ANYTHING for so long! After those last two rather pretentious bits of "fiction," I've just been mentally and physically beat- my sincere apologies! I will be posting more often with things of actual import- promise!

Take care and thank you again! Stick in there :)

Thursday, September 14, 2017

I don't Know How To Say This.

I've enjoyed going to Mick's for a long time. How long, I couldn't tell you. It doesn't matter, you see.

I thought it did. I thought it made a difference too.

I- damn it, this isn't getting any  easier. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.

I thought I was real too.

You think it hurts to find out at my base, my core, I have nothing? I lived here in this city for over fifteen years before we ran into each other!

Gods it hurts inside. Is this emotion or am I-

I- don't know if- if I died in the waking world, or if-


I don't think I ever existed outside the Draylands, and I don't know what when I started- oh ow.

Ow. Oh no.

I think this is- Ow, oh god, ow, Ow, OW



It's because of you I am what I am.

Please, go downstairs. Look in the box. that crate, in the far south corner. That's me.

That's me.

I... am mullosc-like. Normally I would have no intelligence. My species has none. What I have is all given from you.

Imagine that. Everything I am, is because you misunderstand what I am. It's as if at any moment you and everyone you know can take away all that. No- that's exactly what can happen. Exactly what can happen.

I live on the cusp of losing everything- my mind is because you believe I have one. My brain, my intelligence, my smarts-

All you draymers. I love you and I hate you.

Please- sit, have a cup of coffee! Look- the sun shines so beautiful through the windows- watch the light refract and glow on the wall- Amazing-

I can see it and appreciate it because of you, you beautiful bastard- Let me fill your cup. Good coffee, isn't it?

It's the best you can possibly imagine.

Thursday, September 7, 2017

This is an important video, eye opening. is the link and I SERIOUSLY suggest you check it out. It talks about INTENDED PLAY. It opened my EYES on what intended play is supposed to be. If you CAN do something in the game, you SHOULD. It doesn't matter if you personally do or do not want- if you CAN do it, it is PLANNED ON, it is CONTENT.

As pointed out, in DARK SOULS the game, you CAN kill everyone, even though you "shouldn't". But if you don't, you are crippling yourself- HUGE amounts of the game open if IF YOU SLAUGHTER EVERYONE. That is content the devs WANT you to play!

If you CAN do it in game, you SHOULD- no matter WHAT it is!

Eye opener for me!

Sunday, September 3, 2017


Jeremy muscled his way past Ms. Truman and knocked the Mayor's door right open. The Mayor himself, Haymen Salish, was in as Jeremy knew he would be- the fat slob always ate lunch at his desk every day. Like fat clockwork.

"Mayor, this ain't gonna work," he said as half of Salish's sandwich slid with a wet PLOP into his lap. Salish looked down at his lap, at the sandwich in his hand and sighed. He lifted the thick cloth napkin from his lap; the sandwich collapse was a fairly common occurrence."Next week is the 6tgh of September."

"I know this, Jerry," said Salish as he took a fresh napkin to his lips, then lap. "The stars have spoken. Next week is the 6tgh, right after the 6th. Every 100 years like clockwork. My father dealt with it, his father dealt with it, all the way back to the founding of Salish Block. We've dealt with the 6tgh of September for a very long time."

"Then what in the name of tarnation we got a stranger coming into town in a Uhaul, bringing his whole damned family with him?" Jeremy calmed himself- he hadn't taken his blood pressure medication this morning and could feel his pressure climbing. "The mist starts tonight- ain't no one in town going out after dark until after the 7th safely arrives. Are you gonna tell 'em? Or you just gonna let 'em get- you know?" He dragged his extended index finger over his throat with a low gurgle and the Mayor turned a pale green.

"I can send Sandy out to talk to them," said Salish, referring to the petite Ms. Truman outside the office. Sandy was competent enough at her work although Salish had clearly hired her for her looks.

"Where are they staying?" asked Jeremy then and Salish looked quickly away, out the window.

"Oh, Lambert sold them the Winslett house yesterday," he said. Then, standing, he quickly helped Jeremy to one of the chairs in his office- Jeremy had gone pale and clammy at the news.

"Everything'll be fine," said Salish as he handed Jeremy his cardboard cup of caffeinated soda. "Don't worry. This is JUST what Salish's Block has needed for a long time."

Saturday, September 2, 2017

I may be able to get some videos done for my game channel

and that is a very good thing! :) I am working on thoughts for things, should have some new fiction coming up very soon!

Wednesday, August 30, 2017

Today I actually got some stuff done!

A very good thing :) I am rendering, as I type this, my 1st game video for my game channel in some days- it's been so hot I've usually fallen asleep all evening! Last night and tonight I've actually been awake!

Yay :)

Thank you all that read this for continuing to do so, it is GREATLY appreciated. I know I don;t say much here but what little I do say means a lot. Thank you all.

Sunday, August 27, 2017

My biggest issue with the adpocalypse on YouTube.

I don't get paid for reaction videos. They are copyrighted material; copyrighted material gets the COPYRIGHT HOLDER paid. There is nothing wrong with that- the Music Policies on YouTube spell out which songs you can react to and what the Copyright Holder's say you can do. Most are FINE with you reacting/showing.playing their music- BUT you don't get paid, THEY do.

Not a problem. I can handle that. Mostly makes sense, too :) I don't agree they should get the ENTIRE video's revenue, but there you go. I am no lawyer; I have no options. Follow the rules, or don't play the game.

I used to do my daily reaction video gratis for all my subscribers. I didn't get paid for them, I still don't, but my OTHER videos at least "paid" for the luxury of doing reactions for my subscribers.

What with the recent YouTube issues, where anything even slightly controversial is demonetized, I'll upload THREE videos in a day and get paid for maybe ONE if I am lucky. No more do I have TWO videos to help "pay" for the reaction. Now I frequently have TWO or THREE demonetized videos in a day.

I can't AFFORD that :( If I don't get paid for my vlog and my game videos, I CAN'T keep doing reaction videos where I get the COPYRIGHT HOLDER some cash, but me- nuthin'.

What a conundrum! My channel's growth was BUILT on my reactions- if I stop doing them, what will happen to my channel? Likely death. But I don't get PAID for them and right now, cash is sort of at a premium :(, then I can't keep up doing what I am doing.

I do not know what is going to happen :( I really wish YouTube wasn't doing this to us, the people that BUILT it.

Oh well. Life is life.


Saturday, August 26, 2017

And my housemates came back last night.

So NOW, within the next few days, we MUST have the talk. I HAVE to talk to them and get this out BEFORE the 3rd of next month.

Oh man, I really do not want to do this. I am passive; I hate conflict. But I CAN'T let this situation continue.


Here's hoping! :)

Thursday, August 24, 2017

My housemates have gone camping

and last night was a VERY bad night. Insomnia, anxiety. It was after 3 AM when I fell asleep- a little after 5 AM when pain woke me. So yay.

Another night by myself. It's okay, today I feel much better about things. Which is good, considering if things don't go well in the next few days, I may be living here alone. I hope, anyway.

So we shall see! Hang in there- I promise I won't stop posting and writing fiction!

Tuesday, August 22, 2017

I am very worried.

I have no money. Literally, at this time, no money. I am going to have a talk with some people who have put me in this situation and I really do not know what is going to happen. It may be very bad.

But at this moment my comp is sick and getting sicker. If it dies, I go dark and that's it- I am GONE. I have NO money. I cannot even afford a CELL phone- I will be GONE.

I'm freaking out about this and I do not know what to do what with Youtube demonetizing EVERYONE and EVERYTHING and I am suffering from financial... trouble, shall we say, tho  a better word for it starts with "A".

Saturday, August 19, 2017

I dunno if, when I woke at 5 am,

it was a migraine that woke me, or if I just noticed I had a migraine after I woke up.

Today has been a very painful day.

more tomorrow, promise!

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Before the end of the month

I am going to be having a meeting with some people. It may well not be a good meeting- I can only hope it is. It may so pear shaped and quickly. I simply and literally have no idea and it's driving me crazy. I wish I had more I could say on this right now but I simply cannot. I sorry :(

Monday, August 14, 2017

But, while not dead,

I still tend to fall asleep in the evening. Sigh. A combo of poor sleep (I sleep very little, pain wakes me after only a few hours) and the heat.

So much yay :)

Take care :)

Saturday, August 12, 2017

I am not dead, I have not given up on this blog!

Honestly, I have not. But in the morning time, it is difficult to type for a few reasons. Early morning it takes me a few hours to be awake enough to type legibly and intelligently. Unlike my mouth which can just turn on and GO with little to no input from my brain, my fingers require a LOT of paying attention to when I type, especially since I am a two-finger typer... I type with the index finger of my left hand, my middle finger on my right, and I hit the space bar with... with either thumb, depending on how I feel at the time. I CAN type 104 WPM with 0 errors when I try- I don't try all that often :)

But this summer has been HOT and HUMID and I cannot handle heat well at ALL as I have gotten older. Heat just  KNOCKS ME OUT- I either literally fall completely asleep where ever I am, OR I enter a dazed/confused state... I am not asleep, but I am not awake either. I am... not functioning, but still DOING things that I cannot remember, explain, or wish to have happened. I have come out of my daze to find I have turned off my computer; I have switched off every functional program and RESET my desktop with the taskbar on the side, small flickering icons, etc.

I HATE the heat. I like being functional and efficient and the heat robs me of that.

I am so sorry :(

Tuesday, August 8, 2017

I know I complain about the heat a lot

but I do NOT do heat well. I have been DYING from sweating so much - ARGH. So hard to make videos when the heat makes me PASS OUT. Oh yay!

SO I am sorry- doing my best!

Sunday, August 6, 2017

Thank you everyone, you diehards you, who leave me comments!

I am sorry I don't answer comments more often and I am sorry that when I do they are usually so short. I thank you all so very much for any comments I receive and it is awesome- thank you all so very much!!

Saturday, August 5, 2017

How sustainable actually is it that I am doing 5 daily videos?

I literally have no time to do... anything really, all day, but prepare to make videos, make videos, and edit those videos I have made. And I don't mind that at ALL- it keeps me busy and NOT being busy is my bane. When I have nothing to do, I sit and brood over the death of my wife and I don;t want to do that and I know Jennifer wouldn;t want me to do that. So I do my best to stay busy! And right now, making videos is the best way for me to stay busy.

Hopefully,  my game channel and game videos can actually take off. If it doesn't and stays just a low-level channel with only a few hundred subs- again, this is ALL therapy, so it's all good!

Have a great day ebbryoon!

Friday, August 4, 2017

Yesterday I paid my lawyer the $500 he needed to finally get this bankruptcy DONE.

I had to take an online course to show I was a good person. So I did. Took a test to show that indeed I am a good person and paid attention. The certificate cost $25 and it was faxed to my attorney. He'll do $25 worth of work and take my $500 as more money he soaked from me.

But at least it's DONE.


Thursday, August 3, 2017

Oh today I hurt quite a bit.

Such is life tho. Hopefully, I'll be able to get some pain control. Dunno.

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

Time always flies, whether or not you are having fun.

Every time I turn around, another day has passed where I missed a day here. And while I know I don't say much, if anything, of interest, I do feel it is imperative for me to keep doing this. It keeps open a form of communication for me that I do enjoy- typing the written word, forming stories and sometimes, as today, not-stories :)

The fire in my belly is still ashes and embers- not dead, but not roaring either. Hopefully before I die I can get the fire burning hot enough I can get my (at least ONE of the MANY novels in my head) novel done! :)

Monday, July 31, 2017

Well, no more OBLIVION for the second channel :(

I tried recording video today of OBLIVION, Elder Scrolls IV, and THREE TIMES it has locked up so hard I have had to restart my comp. So I guess the Oblivion series is over, aye? Sigh :( It's been such a hot day I have been mostly asleep, in a daze... and now I can't even record this. Sigh.

I love life so much.

Sunday, July 30, 2017

I have an uneasy relationship with death

I write fiction. Used to REALLY write fiction a LOT. Sadly, the fire in my belly is almost out... mostly ashes and embers but there is still a little flame here and there...

One of the BIG themes I used to use a LOT in my fiction was Death as Humor. I slaughter people like bugs in my fiction and I usually try to make some sort of humorous slant of it... where the actual fact that 200 people were gutted like trout and their corpses desecrated is the PUNCHLINE...

It's not an easy line to walk. When I come across other people using death as humor in their fiction (be it written or visual (novel or movie :) )) I get a REAL uneasy feeling in my gut... So I have the feeling that others have at LEAST that feeling in THEIR gut when they read a story of mine, and how the HUMOROUS twist is the main character ends up eaten alive by space zombies.

It's... a weird twist and I am not sure WHY I always come back to it.

Friday, July 28, 2017

Been stressing out a lot, but

I am also attempting to be a little more positive about things, so I am not going to go insane with postings about things.

Just saying Hi! :)   Doing a LOT of videos daily for my TWO channels now :)

Have a great day!

Wednesday, July 26, 2017

I have to admit, I am getting a little scared...

100,000 is a LARGE number. Not as big as 18 million :) But to a guy with social anxieties, 100,000 people subscribed to my channel is a lot.

Now, I also understand that of those 100,000 subs, probably 2,000 watch the actual videos :) and that's ok. It happens to EVERYONE. That's why Pewdiepie with like 50 MILLION subs, gets 2 mil views on a video. Those other 98k subs that AREN'T watching, aren't really active subs.

It's life and it's ok :) I am still amazed tho at all of this. I entered into this thinking that if I got 5 subs I'd be doing good! I'm doing a LOT better than THAT!

Have a great day, all of you! The world can be a beautiful, wonderful place!

Tuesday, July 25, 2017

I uploaded my first video to my second channel today!

Yay! My media empire grows :D

I wish :)

Anyway, I wish I could figure out my hardware conflicts so I could reliably stream!

Take care, everyone!


Monday, July 24, 2017

Last night was a VERY good VPAP night!

The past 5 days, trying to wear my VPAP mask when sleeping was ramping up my anxiety to horrible levels. Last night tho when I put on my mask there was ZERO anxiety. In fact, I felt GREAT while wearing it! Slept wonderfully!

Hopefully, this can keep up... now I just have to figure out how to NOT kill the skin on the bridge of my nose! It's breaking down, and I do NOT need a pressure sore on my FACE!

Saturday, July 22, 2017

I not understand what is happening with my system and my sound

It's getting crazy. I used to have my volume set at 30 out of 100 and it was nice and loud; NOW, I have to put the volume at 40 at it's so QUIET-

When I edit my videos through my editor, I edit the sound so it's PERFECT on my side. But MY SIDE is not reporting things ACCURATELY- when my video sounds PERFECT on my side, I render and upload-

and it sounds all WRONG- my voice is too loud, the game volume is too quiet- I do NOT understand what is happening, I just don't want to have to reinstall again. It's only been like 2 months since I had to re-install Win10- this is nuts!

Thursday, July 20, 2017

The last time I looked

It was the 18th of July... and today is the 20th!! ARGH!

The heat has been killing me. I do not do heat well- it gets over 75F, and I lose the ability to think clearly, to stay awake, to be able to move and get things DONE...

The last few days I have spent, at times, literally 4 to 5 HOURS in a daze, trying to be coherent and FEELING myself be unable to think... trying to stand up, to get up and MOVE and find myself literally UNABLE to- robbed of thought and action by the HEAT.

And it's only mid-JULY. ARGH. It ain't gonna start cooling down til mid-September. Sigh :(

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

I am so sorry

I don't just want to post one line gibberish statements to ensure I "post daily"; yet, if I do NOT post at least SEMI-regularly, I WILL stop posting after only a short time... so I have to find a nice medium!

Not there yet, but working on it!

Thursday, July 13, 2017

I Worry So Much About Gaining Weight Back And Getting Fat Again

and so far I really don't need to worry about GAINING weight... in fact, I STILL have to work to keep my weight UP. I keep dropping down to under 200, and 213 is a good weight for me, tho I get really antsy and worried if my weight even hits 205...

Still tho, I worry- which I shouldn't. Born worrier :)

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

I think I need to make sure I also stress

quantity as well as quality- if I don't post every day, I'm gonna forget about this entirely- and THAT would suck!

Saturday, July 8, 2017

They want you to die for them.

To be honest, it’s what you’ve trained to do. It’s not like they kidnapped you and are holding a gun to your temple and asking, “May we please pull the trigger?” No, you actually volunteered and were chosen from a vast pool of many volunteers.

And now today is the day. The day you will die. You don't have to, of course. No one will threaten you if you change your mind; there will be a vast disappointment of course, and the negative peer pressure would be diamond hard and applied with the force of much megatonnage... but there is no thought of escape in your mind. Oh no.

No, the interface will open and then, inside a field a thousand times thinner than a human hair, the magic. Instantaneous, one-way teleportation to the surface of Mars. It’s hideously expensive; every second open uses more energy than most European countries burn through in a year. All you have to do is walk through the interface, smile for the equipment present, and die.

The surface of Mars is terribly unfit for any kind of life; a naked human being- YOU- with no survival equipment, not even a thin paper gown to cover yourself with, won’t last long at all.

Computer simulations can only tell you so much, after all. Sometimes the best experiments are the most basic. Your corpse will provide data for decades, if not centuries.

All you have to do is walk forward, through the interface, when the time comes. It will hurt, death; no one would be officially disappointed if you didn’t walk through the interface when it opened.

They want you to die for them.

Friday, July 7, 2017

For the first time in several days

I finally have nearly enough :) THC within me. I feel a LOT better, physically and mentally. It's a good thing, pain control. I really enjoy not hurting.

Wednesday, July 5, 2017

I hate that in our greed, we refuse to do anything about global climate change.

It used to snow, deep snow, every winter in Washington State. Now, IF we get snow, it ain't much. The summers used to be nice- warm, not too hot. Now we break a NEW record EVERY YEAR for NEW hottest year EVER...  I don't do heat well, and already, just in the beginning of July, I am having heat problems.

Sigh :(

Tuesday, July 4, 2017

National 'Murican 'Blow Your Fingers Off' Day!

Yay! So let's hope not TOO many people blow their fingers off- it really is sad when that happens. Be safe, be good, and if you can't be good- be careful :)

Take care!

Monday, July 3, 2017

I actually find my subscriber count kind of SCARY :)

I went into my channel with only the thought of staying busy- keeping alive, getting out of my head and involved with the world again. I figured I'd get maybe 5, 10 subscribers and I was cool with it.

And my channel actually grew! I kept adding subs until I crossed a thousand subscribers! It was amazing- and still is!

And NOW I'm getting close to ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND subscribers! Hokey Smokes! That is a SCARY number for someone with moderate social anxieties :)  I am INTENSELY grateful to each and every person that has subscribed to my channel and I always will be... but Hokey smokes, that's a BIG number... :)

Saturday, July 1, 2017

I don't know if anyone does it any more,

or if it is still called datamoshing, but my GOSH this is absolutely amazing stuff! Taking advantage of our technology, it's limitations and so how we have 'cheats'; taking advantage of those cheats to create an art form that would be literally impossible to even CONCEIVE without the use of computers and other tech.

It's absolutely boggling! I've been googling and watching LOTS of these and they are BIZARRE, NEW, and absolutely EXCITING!

Friday, June 30, 2017

This is absolutely hysterical!

Someone did a joke, a parody of Lenny Kravitz' FLY AWAY, and when you actually SEARCH for the actual song online, the PARODY comes up first!


Please watch!

I should do a reaction on this!

Thursday, June 29, 2017

And how did I miss yesterday?

Aside from the fact that I was extremely exhausted and trying my best to merely be HUMAN :) And then played video games. Yikes!

Tuesday, June 27, 2017

Today was an interesting day for many reasons.

About 10 AM, people were walking on our roof, using leaf blowers to clean out the gutters. I didn't mind so much but my housemates were waked up pretty hard... SHE works until 2 AM, doesn't get home until 2:30ish, then has to wind down before she sleeps. That didn't help to have people stomping around on the roof!

The heat, combined with worry over financial matters, has really dragged me down and it has shown in the videos of late and I am so sorry.

Monday, June 26, 2017

I didn't sleep all that well last night-

maybe 1 1/2 hours, waking from pain and then trying to rest for another 1 1/2... but I am feeling pretty happy today :) Done 4 videos for the channel and fighting the urge to go make a FIFTH video! I don't work; I don't have a job; I broke my body and mind working as a nurses aide and my wife dying not 10 years after that sort of finished the job. I paid my taxes until 2006 and I still pay them now- just because I am on disability doesn't mean I don't pay taxes on everything. But I have been on disability since.

Nursing is worse for your body than crab fishing or coal mining. And I don't say that as a goof- I say that as someone who has read a bit and heard some about how a gov't agency (the CBO?) did an independent study on back injuries and found out that worse than almost everything was- nursing. I am also making fun of myself in this comment, as "I sorta remember" and "Maybe I heard" are NOT verifiable sources... but I AM happy enough with my memory that IF you google search on it, I DO believe I will be vindicated :)

But hey :)

Sunday, June 25, 2017

The past 2 nights have been kind of rough

because my housemates have gone to a concert on Friday afternoon and have been gone since! Now I've been alone for 2 nights and I discovered I STILL get mass anxiety when I am alone. Sigh.

Because of my social anxieties, I don't like being around people and I seek times and places where I am alone. But when I am alone, I quickly start hearing my own thoughts bouncing off the walls... going stir-crazy in a VERY short period of time, and NEEDING social contact... I can't be happy in ANYWAY situation I find myself in :)

Saturday, June 24, 2017

This is not going to be a good summer

because it is MEGA hot already. I am upstairs in this duplex and the heat makes the 2nd floor HOT- and on a HOT day, it's DOUBLE hot. Manoman :( The heat has been putting me to sleep! Gonna do my best tho to power on!

Friday, June 23, 2017

Well, shuckle my duckle.

And apparently, my duckle NEEDS a good shuckling because I didn't post a thing yesterday. On the other hand, neither did I think on any of my various fiction projects. I have a lot in my head I need to write down before I forget FOREVER. I have SEVERAL novels and a TON of short stories I need to get OUT o f my head on into the "digital world" since there ain't no more typewriters and paper no mo.

I'd say I promise to do better but I've already DONE that and look how well that worked, aye?

Well, I promise to do better anyway :)

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Hopefully my computer is not going to die anytime soon though it probably will.

I turned off my computer, unplugged everything, opened it up and took out the graphics card and got the air blower ready. I then BLEW all the dust out of my computer with the air compressor (my Kirby vacuum cleaner- with the proper attachment it comes a damned good but DAMNED LOUD air compressor :) ).

Then I put the graphics card back in, closed the case back up, plugged it back in and turned it on.

And was HORRIFIED when it told me I needed to enter SETUP to recover my BIOS. I tried, but the video only showed 1/4 of the screen with no movement- had to turn it all off.

Spent the next HOUR fighting with my computer. It would start to load, then blue screen. Would start to load, then give me a device missing error. Finally, it told me to enter SETUP again and I did so- looked at the settings, left. It blue screened. Then it loaded further, device missing errored. Loaded FURTHER, blue screen and NOW it's loaded and it seems to be stable...

I do not know why it had such problems and I can only hope it will continue to start when I turn things on in the morning :| If I go suddenly dark, now you know WHY.

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Yesterday was not the best day I have ever had

and I am very sorry that I didn't have an entry. Soon I will have another story tho, so THAT is a good thing!

Sunday, June 18, 2017

I am more poor now than I have ever been

and that's life; mostly I wanted to talk about how, while I am MEGA poor right now (I make 14k per year on disability; my rent is 95% of my "income") I have not always been so.

Before the injury that took me out of the workforce, I had always worked. I was in the USAF for 4 years; I looked for work while living on savings; I worked as a nurses aide for 15 years. When I was single, I made a single man's money and that was good. I was able to survive and survive well.

Later, I married and together my wife and me were comfortable. We were solidly LOWER middle class- with the $30k/year I made, the $60k/year SHE made, we were comfortable. Not  Comfortable or COMFORTABLE, but comfortable; we lived in her parents home- they lived downstairs, we lived upstairs.

First I injured my back so severely I have not been able to lift 15 lbs without pain. Cannabis makes the pain easier to handle; it doesn't make it go away. She was able to work for another almost 2 years. Then her health went south quite quickly and she too went onto disability; suddenly, we went from $90k/year to $26k/year. We were able to make it work, though it hurt.

Since my wife has died, my income has dwindled to my disability AND the VERY kind people who have donated through my campaign; and who have become my patrons. I "make" 14k per year; it takes more than 14k per year to live. I am barely ahead of the wolves at all times.

Thank you so much to everyone who has ever given me any money at all to survive. I am extremely grateful; I am ALIVE right now, and without your help,  I wouldn't be.

Thank you all so much.

It was about a year ago, or so,

my formal introduction to vore and women being swallowed whole and entire by hungry snakes which then digest these swallowed women alive.

None of us have control over our internal wiring. No one understands WHAT makes our systems WORK the way they work. One man's meat is another man's poison, as the old saying goes and it is true.

I dunno WHY I find pictures of women being swallowed whole by snakes, hungry snakes who are then going to digest these swallowed women alive, exciting. But boy, do I. Swallowed women being digested alive by giraffes; swallowed women being digested alive by fish; swallowed women being digested alive by- well, you get the idea.

WHY? And why did I have to find the picture that started this whole thing? :)

Life. Life is life :)

Friday, June 16, 2017

My sincere apologies.

I have had a terrible headache all day and it's just effecting me. My sincere apologies.

Thursday, June 15, 2017

Getting late in the day

And I am very tired already... not quite sure I'll be able to stay awake much longer! My apologies for no new stories... have ideas that need to gel! :)

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

Hmmm. Maybe I shouldn't try to post everyday?

NO- that is conceding defeat! Yes, I seem to fail at posting daily here. BUT! While I don't post daily, I do post at LEAST 5 days a week and sometimes my posts are pretty awesome if I so say so myself :) *preen, preen*

Anyway, I do have more stories coming up and more random outbursts so thanks so much for reading!

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Let us have a thought experiment here.

Let us say you live with another person in an apartment. You both have your own bedrooms, and you share a kitchen and a living room. Inside your bedroom, you have a box of stuff that doesn't fit into your closet. So you put it into a corner of the room. It's not bad- it's just a box in the corner fo your bedroom.

Now let's say that that box, in your bedroom, pisses off your housemate. This other person would NOT even know you have a box out of place in your bedroom that you DO NOT SHARE with this person. And you keep your bedroom CLEAN. But every time you see this person, they give you a hard time about how MESSY your room is because they hate mess and you have a BOX in your room.

And that at LEAST twice, this person YELLED in your face about how they KEEP GOING INTO YOUR ROOM and it's a MESS because there is this BOX in the corner of your bedroom.

Welcome to my life! :)

My housemates WILL NOT STAY out of my bedroom. My room is CLEAN but I have stacks of STUFF. I use my bedroom as STORAGE and a sleep room. It is CLEAN but cluttered.

And I CANNOT KEEP my female housemate OUT of my room and YELLING at me because SHE thinks my room is a mess. Because it's CLUTTERED.

Easy fix :)


Monday, June 12, 2017

I was just playing around while an online friend was busy

Wrote this as a series of Twitter DM's to him :) When I was done, went WHOA and realized I HAD to post this here. Hope you enjoy!

All right, yes. Let me say this up front, let me get this out of the way. Yes.

My species DID evolve as a parasitic infestation on another species. Yes, we cannot ignore that.

It is true that our original "food" species died out as a result of us. We cannot ignore that.

And yes, it is true that our young are implanted into donor species bodies. They do hatch in their thousand and yes, YES, they do devour the host alive.

We cannot ignore that, we know it, we aren't PROUD of it, but it is a fact of reproduction. And that is why you are here today.

You answered our classified ad for a host. You do know what is going to happen; we will "donate" this dollar amount to your next of kin.

It will hurt. A lot. Until you die.

But of the one or two of our larvae that survive the devouring of the host AND each other- for this, we, our species, cannot thank you enough.

Just sign here, and here- your initials here- thank you...

Let me transmit this off and- done. Legal and above the board! Simply drink this- just drink it, it'll help separate you from the pain-

We will provide you with an ample supply of this drink until the end. Yes, it is habit forming, but really- drink.

Good. Now come with me- carefully- good. Oh, the eggs were in the drink. Just come with me. Sit here.


Sunday, June 11, 2017

I was so out of it yesterday

I am so sorry. Couldn't do a third video, couldn't make a blog entry... aye yi yi, my life. So sorry and I will do better from this day on!

I hope :)

Friday, June 9, 2017

I more than hoped-

I streamed for an hour and a half today- THE LAST OF US remastered on the PS4! Worked very well! I am very pleased and I hope everyone enjoyed! Yay! :) I plan on streaming at LEAST 3, 4 times per week!

Thursday, June 8, 2017

I am hoping to start streaming

THE LAST OF US remastered, from my PS4, starting om 6/9/17, so here is hoping! I feel pretty good about streaming... but then, the other day I tried and it was a NIGHTMARE... so who knows?

Here's hoping!

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

I am so sorry

I missed yesterday and almost missed today. I need to sit down and get some serious work done! YIKES!

Monday, June 5, 2017

Everyone on RIFF.TV seems to stream, and I am confused by that

I thought it was primarily for recording yourself and uploading the file, and everyone seems to be streaming and that confuses me. I want to RIFF some movies and some serieseses, so I want to figure this out but I am still confused. Sigh :(

Sunday, June 4, 2017

Saturday, June 3, 2017

I Have A VERY Lovecraftian Tale In My Head

I am going to be writing that one here VERY so9on. It's a 2nd person story and is... pretty freaky, so hopefully, it'll all work out well!

Friday, June 2, 2017

Wet to bed early last night

because I was EXHAUSTED and I had, through the actions of my housemates, gotten THC'd up a storm! Super tired because I haven't been sleeping for the past few days.... Went to bed at 11 PM and 5 hours later was up for the day! My knees are still killing me (t'was of course pain that woke me and drove me from the bed; life is life).

Sorry I've been failing to write daily. Still trying hard!

Wednesday, May 31, 2017

I feel so bad for my hamsters

with their too-small cages. I bought these cages for them before I realized they were too small. Now I can't afford bin cages yet but I WILL change their cages so they have actual large enough homes. I feel so sorry I have too small cages for them :(

Tuesday, May 30, 2017

Yesterday was too painful of a day to start

I literally hurt too much to do anything. The afternoon came, and the evening, and I did get some THC, some cannabis and I COULD move- but I was so exhausted that night from the pain I couldn't even write.

Today I am hurting but I have SOME cannabis still- enough to keep me active for a LITTLE while anyway. So yay :)

Sunday, May 28, 2017

I Typed This Slowly But It's My First Fiction In A While

I'm rusty, but I hope this is at least SEMI-okay; I don't expect it to be much good- it's been a while since I have really written. Hopefully tho you will enjoy!


Thomas looked around the park quickly, green grass growing in neat squares. Aside from his daughter and son he could see no other children, hear no other parents. Just the wind, a few birds, and some dogs barking in the distance. Then, panicked, quickly back to his children and thank God. Johnny was still eating his peanut butter sandwich and Susan was just setting her crust down, jam still smeared on one young cheek. His throat ached as he watched.

“Now remember,” he heard himself say and wanted to choke off his words but he couldn’t stop- his mouth spoke even as his mind tried to stop. “You promised.” Shut up, he thought to himself as Susan rolled her eyes. Johnny, a full year younger than her, merely looked away, bored.

“Daddy,” said Susan and she stood up next to the blanket. Thomas moved to stand as well, hating his movement. Stop it, he thought. You’re going to scare your own children. He held himself in mid-crouch, watching his daughter out of the corner of his eye.

That’s when he heard the laughter, children’s laughter. Getting closer. He felt his heart beating faster, fear growing.

“Daddy,” said Johnny as he heard the children getting closer and Thomas wanted to scream.

“No,” he rasped. “You promised. You promised Daddy.”

“Daddy,” said Susan as she took a step from the blanket, toward the growing sound of laughter. Nowhere could Thomas see any children except his own but the laughter grew louder. It was innocent, playful; Thomas wondered about the parents, wondered if they were still alive.

Thomas hadn’t seen any children, save for his own, for a little over two years, ever since They arrived.

They. No adult knew what they looked like; no adult had ever seen one. The children though... any child that had not yet reached puberty could see them. Could see them, hear them, talk to them... and learn from them. And learn they did. They taught the children and the children learned while the parents could not even see the creatures that mingled with them. That taught their children.

That took their children.

They didn’t steal the children away, no; in fact, they gave the children more than the human race could ever give them. Form and function was relative, and learned; when taught properly, the children could act as They did. Thomas’s friends had 2 children and no matter how they tried, the children learned from Them and when they finally figured it out- Debbie first became a patch of grass, a blowing wind, a beam of sunlight- then fading laughter and gone. Little Bertie simply stared at the sun for almost an hour and in a flash that almost blinded Thomas and the two parents, simply- left.

“Susan, remember,” he whispered, throat tight, as his children stared toward the laughter, unmoving. “You promised-”

But Johnny was gone and Thomas couldn’t remember if he’d walked away or-

“Daddy,” he heard Johnny say as he headed toward the laughing children that Thomas couldn’t see, then silence.

“Johnny,” whispered Thomas as he reached toward Susan, Susan, his six-year-old daughter, staring with her head cocked. “Sue,” he said and hated the whine he heard. “You promised-” When his fingers touched her shoulder, she turned so quickly he couldn’t see the movement, suddenly facing him and smiling. “Daddy,” she said. “I love you.”

“Sue-” he said, staring past his empty hand into the grass. Susan was gone- just gone, no longer under his hand. “Susan,” he said. He could hear her and his son’s laughter amidst the laughter of the others, still unseen. He staggered quickly to his feet, stumbling toward the unseen laughter.

“Susan,” he called as he walked, heart thundering in his chest. “Johnny? You promised- you promised me. You promised Daddy!”

Not even a week after Debbie and Bertie had left with the other children, Thomas’s  friends were gone too although they didn’t learn from Them; like many parents whose children had Learned and Left, they couldn’t take the pain and helped themselves to heaping portions of rat poison.

The laughter was fading into the distance as Thomas staggered after the unseen children. Some of them, as they traveled, would quickly become a tree, a patch of soil, a beam of sunlight; they never stayed long in any form and within minutes were gone.

The afternoon was fading into evening, the park becoming dark. Electricity didn’t run anymore. Thomas could no longer hear any laughter, could see no play from the children he had tried so hard to cling to.

“You promised daddy,” he whispered as night fell.

----------------------------------------------------- 30 ---------------------------------------------------------

Saturday, May 27, 2017

Well, life is now very painful

and getting worse. I am out of cannabis- no bud, no oil, no tincture. My body hurts a LOT more and it's going downhill fast.

I used to be on TWENTY EIGHT different STRONG prescription meds for fibromyalgia and pain, including 45 mgs of methadone. I replaced 27 of those meds with cannabis and now my methadone is down to 15 mgs.

When I have no cannabis, that is very bad, very fast.

Last night was the last of my cannabis. I am shuffling when I walk and my left leg is VERY bad; my hands are very bad; I suspect I will NOT be sleeping tonight.

And it's ONLY going to get worse, fast, as the THC level in my blood continues to fall. I'll try to keep you all informed- depending on well I can type since my hands hurt a LOT and they go downhill FAST...

Friday, May 26, 2017

7:30 PM

And I have been busy until noon. Since noon, I have been... alive anyway. I am so sorry this entry sucks. I suck. Obviously :)

Thursday, May 25, 2017

For the last few years before my wife died,

or possibly JUST the last year before her death, all I read was ZOMBIE books. Zombie story stories, zombie novels. It was ALL I read. I've always liked the ROMERO type zombie, but I was FIXATED.

After my wife died, it continued. ALL I read, for 2 solid years after she died, was zombie books. Zombie collections. Zombie short stories.

The living dead. The dead returned.

The monkey's paw.

This last year I have been reading NON-zombie fiction again, hence my return to the POLITY universe of NEAL ASHER. I don't read a TON anymore (no more physical books- no more room for books :( and most of it is on my late wife's kindle fire but I do read.

And not JUST about the dead returned, or the living dealing with the loss of a loved one.

It just might be... a healthy turn.

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

I fell asleep for HOURS

in my recliner. Man, I was out and I am disoriented and very upset with myself.

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Well, while I didn't fall asleep last night...

It still wasn't a very good night. My apologies. I will start streaming to the world soon, I promise! I have to- it's IMPORTANT. :)

Back later :)

Monday, May 22, 2017

I must have more tired yesterday than I thought!

I check today's date and it turns out I missed a whole day blogging again. It might be that daily is a bit much for me... or I need to buck down and get to it :)

One or the other.

Saturday, May 20, 2017

Not quite sure how I am going to do this

Because of various reasons, I have tried sleeping in my recliner this evening because I don't have any RSO to sleep in my bed. So when I do try, I might be able to sleep for an hour or so. Going to be fun, being awake and wandering the house when my housemates are trying to sleep.

Friday, May 19, 2017

I am not going to give up on this blog!

I apologize to the 2 or 3 people that read this blog, other than myself :), for not being as daily as I had planned on being. I WILL do better. How can I bolster my new media empire if I don't actually POST! :)

Take care and I will do better!

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

It has not been a good month for me.

In fact, not for ANYONE in my household. We got hit by a bunch of stealth charges that went and whammed us below what we needed to have... now it's a challenge to get enough CANNABIS for the three of us.

My need for cannabis is, arguably, greater than that of my housemates. Without cannabis, I will become bedridden. I'm getting close to that NOW since we are so low on cash- we cannot buy the cannabis we all need. My hands are so sore I can barely use them; my left hip feels like there is broken glass grinding in it with every movement; every joint, every nerve receptor, is YELLING right now because my fibromyalgia is not being treated appropriately.

My housemates are in better shape but they still require cannabis themselves- SHE has enough physical and mental issues from her childhood that without cannabis she does not do well; HE needs cannabis or HE hurts and his mood bottoms out.

We are all in bad shape right now and hurting. Life is fun :)

Take care and hope to keep posting!

Monday, May 15, 2017

Yesterday was a weird day

After I went to lunch with my sister whom I have not seen for ten years, I just felt weird and tired. Didn't get much done at ALL. Reminders of mortality, I think, since my sister is 50 and... looking her age, and her daughter was there and ALL her children are in their mid to late 20's, and mY kids are getting older...

Mortality. How nice to remember that one day I will DIE.


Saturday, May 13, 2017

Well, Starting TOMORROW

is what I meant, obviously. Now I don't want to make this just a throwaway post because then I am doing myself and you no favors at all. And yet at the moment, I am unable to really sit and type a moire substantive post; for this, I most sincerely apologize.  I wish I had it in me to deliver a post of actual import but for many reasons, one of them sheer tiredness, I am unable to maintain a clear thread in my head.

So I hope tomorrow I will be able to type sentences and phrases that actually mean something. Take care my friends and best of luck.

Friday, May 12, 2017

Now that I have gotten into the habit of daily posting...

Even though the post may not be worth much! But NOW the challenge is to make posts of substance and size! So, starting on the morrow, I will be not only posting daily on my blog but making substantive posts- of over 2,000 words. This is insanity and unsustainable. So let's begin! :)

Wednesday, May 10, 2017

Getting closer to livestreaming on Twitch!

Especially since HITBOX.TV is now SMASHCAST and I can no longer sign into it. But that works! My new streaming URL is

So very cool!

Tuesday, May 9, 2017

I spent all day with an online friend

trying to get my comp to be able to stream. Oh, we spent HOURS. We did a lot and figured a bunch out, but at the same time, we aren't done yet!

Got a huge headache and fell asleep for 2 hours at the end of it as well!

Monday, May 8, 2017

Sorry I Missed Yesterday

I've been in such a mental mess of late and what with my bankruptcy court meeting today, I just didn't get it done and I am so sorry.

Saturday, May 6, 2017

Well, At Least I Have SOMETHING Done :)

Oh man, re-installing all the software I use on a daily basis is such a pain. MAN I hate all this  anymore! Takes so much time. Oh well!

Hopefully later today I will have more to say. We shall see! :) Take care everyone!

Friday, May 5, 2017

Oh man

Last night, Microsoft was supposed to update my computer with the new Creators Update!

When I came into my "studio", I discovered my comp was black screened, with the words BOOTMGR MISSING press ctr alt del to continue

And that was that. My comp was dead.

I've since managed to re-format and reinstall Win7, tho I am updating now. I need to upgrade to Win10, sadly, as a lot of my software for the channel now requires Win10. Sigh.

No videos for this day likely- it's almost 11 AM and I';m still updating Win7.


Not to mention Windows still doesn't see my 1 terabyte hybrid drive, a mix between an ssd drive and a standard drive.


Thursday, May 4, 2017

I Am So Sorry AGAIN

After the power came back yesterday I didn't have a lot of oomph in me to do a bunch of stuff and I kept putting off entering into the blog because I could always do it later...

Then I started falling asleep in my chair...

...then it was time to go to bed, and now it's the next DAY...

I am so sorry :(

I promise myself to do better THIS time :)

Tuesday, May 2, 2017

I AM So Ashamed Of My Behavior Yesterday

Not that I did anything terrible. I'm just shocked and horrified that I couldn't control my actions. Normally my control is tight enough that I can feel terrible inside but hide it- and yesterday, I could not control my depression and mood...

I am so sorry :(

Monday, May 1, 2017

I Have No Idea What Is Going On In My Body

I started off feeling great. Then started getting depressed. Then got BADLY depressed. Took a shower, started feeling better. Now I am unaccountably PISSED OFF at the world and I don't know WHY. Today is a weird day and I am very sorry, world :(

Sunday, April 30, 2017

It's Actually A Collection Of Short Stories

and WORK as a novel and that's mega cool :) By page 360, the main city that 3/4 of the book had taken place in, Crotalorn, was just a memory and where it stood was now just the Ash Plains... Tribes had risen and fallen and the Sons of Cludd, while still around, are more of a joke than a threat. Women take turns playing games where they show their naked bodies to the Sons to fluster them.

And amazingly, one story involved a fearsome character known as the Archimage- incredibly powerful, and childcatchers gathered children to give to the Archimage... it was thought he Ate Their Souls, for they came out... blank and docile after.

One of the characters is childcatcher. When he was young, to evade childcatchers himself, he betrayed the lost children he had been staying with... became a childcatcher as his friends went to the Archimage.

Later, he has to visit the Archimage! And he discovers that the Archimage DOES, in fact, take the souls of children... but not to eat...

The Archimage is the ONLY decent character in the entire collection of characters- aside from Dr. Porfat who was murdered and his remains devoured by ghouls halfway through the book. When the childcatcher is in the home of the Archimage, he is actually visited by the souls of his friends whom he betrayed to the Archimage! And the Archimage didn't take children's souls to enslave or eat them- he was SAVING them from the cruelty of the world! Yes, through death, but the fates of 99.9% of them would have been terrible death anyway.

This was an INCREDIBLE book/collection of short stories that intertwine and make a WONDERFUL tale. Extremely evocative of the older tales by Robert Howard, Dunsany, Lovecraft and others with a VERY modern sensibility!

The Book Is Called THRONE OF BONES

by Brian McNaughton. It's amazing still. I do not know how there is any civilization there. One of the "short stories" in the interlocking stories of this novel is about a guy who is a Vendren... and in this world, you have your "tribes", like the Vendrens, the Fands, the Sleith, etc... and the Vendrens are looked down on by EVERYONE although they are also a very powerful House.

The main character starts off talking about his epilepsy... and his fits he has... and you discover odder things about him... until one night he sneaks into this one woman's room, and is HORRIFIED when a man comes into her room, transforms into a WORM... and SWALLOWS the woman whole and digests her ALIVE...

SO he flees to his ancestral home in Vendren and discovers his MOTHER is a hideous WORM BEAST- he slays her, and discovers that the fits he has been having is when HE becomes the worm... and SWALLOWS women whole and digests them ALIVE...

He has no idea what or who he is... he TRIES not to eat people but is NOT in control of his fits, which he KNOWS is not a disease now...

This world is TERRIFYING. First the Sons of Cludd aren't happy unless the air is thick with the smoke of burning PEOPLE... And 2nd, EVERYWHERE are monsters that prey on humanity... and they seem to be a rather SIZEABLE portion of the population as well...


Saturday, April 29, 2017

Been Reading A Different Book

lately. It's a fantasy novel but written in a VERY modern way... There are the Sons of Cludd (Cludd being one of the many gods in the novel...) and the Cluddites are being treated VERY gently- the Cluddites LOVE to deal with heresy and blasphemy with BURNING people at the stake... so the people in  charge of the city are keeping them around because hey- they are just religious people and they CAN be useful... just have to keep them from burning TOO many people.

There is a HUGE problem with ghouls in this society. And ghouls are...  both a major problem and... something that people just... deal with. Regular human beings CAN become ghouls- and if you DO change, you will kill and eat people and corpses... the more rotten and decayed, the better. At one point, the king of the ghouls is holding COURT in the bad part of town... people willingly entering the ghoul's lairs to have the ghouls EAT part of a family corpse... BECOME that person for a time and tell people WHERE the money is hidden...

And oh yes- if a ghoul eats a corpse, there IS a chance that the SPIRIT of the person being eaten can OVERCOME a ghoul- they BECOME that person SO HARD they STAY that person... the ghoul is GONE and the person who came BACK now has some... weird habits :)

And the author is NOT afraid to kill off characters. Midway through the book, ONE fo the characters is MURDERED- a happy and friendly big fat guy, smart- THE major intelligence in the city that knows ghouls! And he's murdered off-screen, as an aside... and the NEXT chapter has the murdered character TELLING THE STORY in first person! What??

Oh no- a GHOUL ate his decaying corpse and for over a MONTH that ghoul STUCK in his form and WAS him... even though he, of course, had been just a pile of greenish, decaying organs on a table a chapter or two prior :(

AMAZING book- when I get the author and title, I'll edit this post to put them in. I haven't finished it yet- but MAN it's a fascinating book with a FASCINATING back culture... written in such a way that the bigger background story continues in the background... while also impacting the characters in the foreground!

VERY good!

Friday, April 28, 2017

Apparently I missed yesterday.

And I dunno how much better today will be- I have a 1:30 V.A. appt today, which means we need to be on the road before noon... Sigh...

I am so sorry I missed yesterday- I was half asleep, half awake, and busy- and almost didn't get my third video done at all because of timing issues...

SO I dunno. It's MY fault I missed yesterday :( I sorry.

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

"Are you SURE you understand what it would mean?"

she asked her grandmother. Grandma was 78, skinny, bony, with tight white curls close to her ancient skull. "I mean, come on. How could you even DO this?"

"I want to be a cougar," said Ethyl, slapping a beringed hand to her sunken, boney chest. "I can do this."

"Come on," said Ruby, rolling her eyes. "First off, you have to have a TON of sex."

"Sounds good," said Ethyl with a sigh. She rubbed a hand over her lower belly. "She's been hungry for decades."

 "All right," said Ruby, thinking of it and suddenly realizing that really didn't sound so bad after all. "I think what I meant was, look at your age. You'd be having sex all day with young men-" and she had to stop there herself. Where was the bad point in all this again?

"That's what I'm saying," said Ethyl with a smile. "And at my age, I don't even need to sha

Bom Dia, ਸ਼ੁਭ ਸਵੇਰ & Welcome To The Vlog! Wednesday, 26 April, 2017

And then there are days like today, where my entry, tho an entry and thus an important part of making this a daily habit, is nothing but a simple post of my video and words explaining why and how it's not bad that all I am doing is this.

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

It May Seem Like All I Do

is simple one or two paragraph posts but I've been concentrating on making sure I get this done as a daily habit. Once I have it established, THEN I start changing the content so that I post LARGER entries and make THAT the new habit!

So there is a plan and I know this will work out for me :)

Monday, April 24, 2017

I Am Feeling MUCH Better Today!

And that is a very good thing! Yesterday by this time I was feeling horrible and just unable to do much but sit in a half-daze... for HOURS! I MUCH prefer days like today! Even tho my legs feel... close to anxiety because I haven';t been able to watch much- bloody rain!

Ah well. Hopefully later today I'll get some more work done HERE on a short story! Take care and thank you for reading, tho I BARELY do a thing with this!

Saturday, April 22, 2017

I can see clearly now- ah, that doesn't work.

Anyway, another day and another entry into the blog. Soon I will be posting a lot more- at least I hope so. I need to get into the habit of actually spilling my beans a lot more- part of doing this is because I don't have anyone or anywhere to really share any of my thoughts.

So at least I am now posting daily if what I post isn't actually all that worth reading yet :) But I am thinking about the stories I want to write, and I will be working a lot more on my fiction through here!

Take care and thank you very few people who actually read this :)

Friday, April 21, 2017

The Love Of A Pet

Amelia LOVES me. Can't get enough of me. Would, if she were human, bear my children and be with me at all times. It's absolutely amazing. She just LOVES everything about me.

Thursday, April 20, 2017

First, daily vlogging and now trying to maintain daily blogging as well! Except for that one two day period tho I do seem to be keeping it going even if at the moment I don't have a lot to say. But it is a good discipline to keep up, especially if I want to get back into my fiction writing on a daily basis- I'd like to write about 2k words per day on either short or longer fiction. Soon!

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

My Two Week Depression Cycle/BiPolar Disorder

When I was young, 22 in fact (I am 54 now) I was finally diagnosed with depression. After some weeks of charting my mood so we could see what was happening, we discovered I had a two-week cycle- I spent a day or two falling into the trough of depression where I would stay for 2 weeks. I would then spend a day or two coming back UP to "normal", which, mood-wise, is a little bit lower than a "normal" person's bummed-out day.

So- BiPolar disorder. My "manic/up phase" is still less than what a non-sufferer would feel and only lasts 2 weeks. The trough sucks badly... loss of interest, energy, joy, etc. Have to FIGHT to not just sit in a corner and... sit.

Luckily, I've had 30 years of experience dealing with this so no fear... just have to handle the depression for two weeks and everything will be fine!

For two weeks :)

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

I get so tired by the end of the day...

Like right now- but I can't go to bed TOO early, or I'll be UP for the day at MIDNIGHT and that isn't good!

Sunday, April 16, 2017

Well, okay,

So I missed two days. That happens. I mean, just because no one reads this is no reason I shouldn't work on it every day! Good habits are good habits, no matter what :)

So if you do read this, hello and thank you :)

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

I realized something rather important a moment ago!

I just realized something. I was reading a Cracked article, and read this:
"This is why their most important cultural voices came to the defense of JonTron and PewDiePie after their respective racism controversies. Racism is bad, they say, but censorship is worse. I realize that to readers over a certain age, those are both nonsense names. If so, you should know that among teenagers, YouTube personalities matter much, much more than TV or movie stars. The top five most famous celebrities among people age 13-18 are all YouTube hosts. PewDiePie -- the most famous one who was recently accused of making anti-Jew jokes -- has videos that got more viewers than the Seinfeld finale. The world has changed."
And it's true. SO what can we do? What can ANY of us do? I suddenly realized, I actually AM helping in this fight, and on the front lines!
I HAVE a youtube channel. I only have 87 thousand subscribers, but I AM on Youtube, and I HAVE a presence (a small one :), and I AM making videos where I talk about equality and why it is right; why racism and sexism is wrong; I talk about WHY it's bad to treat people as less than human. I AM on the front lines and fighting the good fight!
I AM more than just Scott (what SNL- THANK YOU SCOTT for the joke :)... I am FIGHTING! :)

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

Eighty Seven THOUSAND Subscribers

And while a fair number of those are probably inactive accounts, it's still cool! I never thought I'd even break FIVE subscribers when I first started, and NOW look... I have EIGHT TIMES as many subs as there are people in the town I live in! THAT is something very odd to think about :)

Thank you all so very much for helping me out in this- you are all such wonderful people!

Monday, April 10, 2017

Sunday, April 9, 2017

And here you thought I had forgotten!

Ha! Never! It takes three weeks of WORK to make a habit. And once those three weeks are done, it'll feel WRONG if I do NOT type a daily entry :) That's the way it worked with my vlogging- felt really weird at first. Now I can't start my day without it!

So soon I am going to be typing my stories in here- when I get time. My most precious resource... :)

Saturday, April 8, 2017

After Posting How I Need To Post Daily

Whadda I do? Fail to post daily :) Now how can I expect anyone to read my words if I don't write any? :)

Posting daily IS something that can be done- and easily! It's like any habit. No matter how you may DESPAIR over any habit, remember this:

It takes THREE WEEKS of work to BREAK a habit; it takes three weeks of work to MAKE a habit. EVERY DAY you have to DO something to make it a habit; you have to FIGHT daily for three weeks to BREAK a habit.

So all I have to do to post every day... is post every day! It makes perfectly circular sense! :)

Saturday, April 1, 2017

Maybe If I Post Daily?

I sure hope SOMEONE out there is reading this :) It's okay if no one does, but it would be a LITTLE nicer if someone did :)

Thursday, March 30, 2017

Where is the center of an infinite plane?

I ask that because I have a game setting- or a novel setting, or SOMETHING. It's a place where there IS a center on this flat, infinite plane. The infinite world is divided into four infinite planes, EACH sharing two FINITE planes with its twins. The world runs INFINITELY in each of the 4 directions- NW, NE, SW, SE. Along N, E, S, W, at the center- that's there the splits are.

Each plane has 2 edges that it shares and thus has an end IN that direction- but never stops otherwise.

2 of the four planes extend INFINITELY upwards- one has nothing but space, the other- well, it's weird with pillars and surfaces :) The other go extend infinitely DOWNARD- one is nothing but OCEAN forever. The other is divided up- is it INFINITE OCEAN with bubbles of island, or is it infinite land with bubbles of ocean?

And the people, of course. VERY different to get used to at first. After all, there IS no sun- there is just the Glow. And people NEED the Glow- cover your body it HURTS where the glow is blocked. Get cut? The blood dries into... mud. A corpse, unless treated, will dry into- dirt.

It's a fun place, K'yenwald :)

Thursday, March 23, 2017

Bom Dia, Labas Rytas & Welcome To The Vlog! Thursday, 23 March, 2017

Ah yes, another day. I have to make my bookshelves still so I can get the computer room/storage area tidied back up! It's just a mess right now. Still have to get some bricks and some boards so I can put my consoles up as well. Don't need anything special for that- just some bricks, a few boards. They'll be on the floor=ish, no need for anything fancy :)

Sunday, March 12, 2017

Thomas and Dylan stood before the alien.

The creature spoke and after a second, the translator also spoke, now in English.

"You are a carbon based life," it said, waving toward Thomas. "And you are silicon based," with a wave toward Dylan. "An artificial intelligence, I believe. And you both call yourselves human."

After an uncomfortable moment, Thomas said, "Listen. Just because I'm carbon based doesn't make me any less human than Dylan."

"I resent any implications that my brother is any less human than I am," said Dylan with a frown.

Saturday, March 4, 2017

I Must Have Had Food Poisoning- Oiks!

The other night I woke up at 5 AM, my crotch hurting like someone had taken a steel-toed boot and given me a swift kick between the thighs. OUCH. And my guy hurt- and I was sweating terribly. WHILE shivering because I was FREEZING. Before long I ended up PUKING- and it sucked very much.

I felt better within hours, so who knows WHAT I ate. It MUST have been food poisoning because my HOUSEMATE had the same symptoms that night as well. Man- not sure what we ate but good god, never again! Man!@

Monday, February 27, 2017

I Am A Physical Wreck... And Yet...

Starting from my feet and working up, just because (and I am leading up to a point :)... I have FLAT FEET and wear orthopedic devices in my shoes; I have damaged both KNEES and frequently have to brace all the muscles in my right knee because otherwise everything is going to Let Go; I have had SO many back injuries I can't even count but it's over 10, and the last was also the worst- it took me out of the work force. The CHRONIC PAIN from my back injuries is terrible- I take 5 mgs of METHADONE 4 times per day for this alone. The nerve damage from my back injuries causes neuropathy in my lower legs and feet (both pain AND loss of use), numbness in both upper thighs AND all up my back up to my shoulder blades, severe sciatica, Restless Leg Syndrome, and more. I have abraded BOTH of my radial nerves on my right and left arms, leading to partial paralysis in both arms and hands, although my right hand is much worse than my left (perhaps 5% deficit in my left, 20% deficit in my right... my right hand is clumsy as a fingerless club most of the time). I have no natural curve in my neck- my neck juts straight out from my shoulders and THAT is wrong.

I also suffer from FIBROMYALGIA- I was diagnosed 10 years ago after suffering 10 years before that. This causes pain from my toenails to my hair; constant chronic pain. Couple that with constant fatigue AND what is "fondly" known as FIBRO FOG (inability to concentrate or think clearly) and fibromyalgia ain't fun.

Add my mental issues on top of that (another post entirely!) and it adds up to no fun (especially since depression makes pain hurt worse, which makes depression worse, which makes pain hurt worse, which...).

My point?

I have NO CLUE why I wake up every day just GLAD TO BE ALIVE. Every time there has been a light at the end of the tunnel it has ALWAYS been another oncoming train. I just have time to dust myself off before the NEXT disaster. And yet...

And yet, every day is a Brand New Day, filled with promise and threat, hope and pain. I wake up after each day, no matter HOW horrible the previous day, smile as best I can, and go on to meet the day... even if the light of the sunrise is another oncoming train :)

Friday, February 24, 2017

It is another bright day!

Well, not very bright. It did snow this morning however. And then it quickly melted. Spent most of the day driving into Olympia, and then back! Now I've been trying to clean up my areas. Not liking the way the comp is on the wall at ALL. But, since I do share the closet in here with my housemates, and I want to stay on good footing with everyone... we shall see :)

Monday, February 20, 2017

Hello all!

I am resurrecting this blog- bringing it back from the dead! Yay! :) I want to treat it as a more long-winded form of twitter. Where I can bang out my random thoughts and stories and not worry about the 140 character length. Especially since I tend to use 100 words when using 1 or 2 would be better! :)

So I hope you all enjoy reading my occasional words :) There will be very little wisdom, only small bits of wit, and a lot of random chatter so thank you and have a GREAT day!

And no fear- I understand that if I get even TEN views in a week I will be doing QUITE well! :) Take care :)