Wednesday, May 31, 2017

I feel so bad for my hamsters

with their too-small cages. I bought these cages for them before I realized they were too small. Now I can't afford bin cages yet but I WILL change their cages so they have actual large enough homes. I feel so sorry I have too small cages for them :(

Tuesday, May 30, 2017

Yesterday was too painful of a day to start

I literally hurt too much to do anything. The afternoon came, and the evening, and I did get some THC, some cannabis and I COULD move- but I was so exhausted that night from the pain I couldn't even write.

Today I am hurting but I have SOME cannabis still- enough to keep me active for a LITTLE while anyway. So yay :)

Sunday, May 28, 2017

I Typed This Slowly But It's My First Fiction In A While

I'm rusty, but I hope this is at least SEMI-okay; I don't expect it to be much good- it's been a while since I have really written. Hopefully tho you will enjoy!


Thomas looked around the park quickly, green grass growing in neat squares. Aside from his daughter and son he could see no other children, hear no other parents. Just the wind, a few birds, and some dogs barking in the distance. Then, panicked, quickly back to his children and thank God. Johnny was still eating his peanut butter sandwich and Susan was just setting her crust down, jam still smeared on one young cheek. His throat ached as he watched.

“Now remember,” he heard himself say and wanted to choke off his words but he couldn’t stop- his mouth spoke even as his mind tried to stop. “You promised.” Shut up, he thought to himself as Susan rolled her eyes. Johnny, a full year younger than her, merely looked away, bored.

“Daddy,” said Susan and she stood up next to the blanket. Thomas moved to stand as well, hating his movement. Stop it, he thought. You’re going to scare your own children. He held himself in mid-crouch, watching his daughter out of the corner of his eye.

That’s when he heard the laughter, children’s laughter. Getting closer. He felt his heart beating faster, fear growing.

“Daddy,” said Johnny as he heard the children getting closer and Thomas wanted to scream.

“No,” he rasped. “You promised. You promised Daddy.”

“Daddy,” said Susan as she took a step from the blanket, toward the growing sound of laughter. Nowhere could Thomas see any children except his own but the laughter grew louder. It was innocent, playful; Thomas wondered about the parents, wondered if they were still alive.

Thomas hadn’t seen any children, save for his own, for a little over two years, ever since They arrived.

They. No adult knew what they looked like; no adult had ever seen one. The children though... any child that had not yet reached puberty could see them. Could see them, hear them, talk to them... and learn from them. And learn they did. They taught the children and the children learned while the parents could not even see the creatures that mingled with them. That taught their children.

That took their children.

They didn’t steal the children away, no; in fact, they gave the children more than the human race could ever give them. Form and function was relative, and learned; when taught properly, the children could act as They did. Thomas’s friends had 2 children and no matter how they tried, the children learned from Them and when they finally figured it out- Debbie first became a patch of grass, a blowing wind, a beam of sunlight- then fading laughter and gone. Little Bertie simply stared at the sun for almost an hour and in a flash that almost blinded Thomas and the two parents, simply- left.

“Susan, remember,” he whispered, throat tight, as his children stared toward the laughter, unmoving. “You promised-”

But Johnny was gone and Thomas couldn’t remember if he’d walked away or-

“Daddy,” he heard Johnny say as he headed toward the laughing children that Thomas couldn’t see, then silence.

“Johnny,” whispered Thomas as he reached toward Susan, Susan, his six-year-old daughter, staring with her head cocked. “Sue,” he said and hated the whine he heard. “You promised-” When his fingers touched her shoulder, she turned so quickly he couldn’t see the movement, suddenly facing him and smiling. “Daddy,” she said. “I love you.”

“Sue-” he said, staring past his empty hand into the grass. Susan was gone- just gone, no longer under his hand. “Susan,” he said. He could hear her and his son’s laughter amidst the laughter of the others, still unseen. He staggered quickly to his feet, stumbling toward the unseen laughter.

“Susan,” he called as he walked, heart thundering in his chest. “Johnny? You promised- you promised me. You promised Daddy!”

Not even a week after Debbie and Bertie had left with the other children, Thomas’s  friends were gone too although they didn’t learn from Them; like many parents whose children had Learned and Left, they couldn’t take the pain and helped themselves to heaping portions of rat poison.

The laughter was fading into the distance as Thomas staggered after the unseen children. Some of them, as they traveled, would quickly become a tree, a patch of soil, a beam of sunlight; they never stayed long in any form and within minutes were gone.

The afternoon was fading into evening, the park becoming dark. Electricity didn’t run anymore. Thomas could no longer hear any laughter, could see no play from the children he had tried so hard to cling to.

“You promised daddy,” he whispered as night fell.

----------------------------------------------------- 30 ---------------------------------------------------------

Saturday, May 27, 2017

Well, life is now very painful

and getting worse. I am out of cannabis- no bud, no oil, no tincture. My body hurts a LOT more and it's going downhill fast.

I used to be on TWENTY EIGHT different STRONG prescription meds for fibromyalgia and pain, including 45 mgs of methadone. I replaced 27 of those meds with cannabis and now my methadone is down to 15 mgs.

When I have no cannabis, that is very bad, very fast.

Last night was the last of my cannabis. I am shuffling when I walk and my left leg is VERY bad; my hands are very bad; I suspect I will NOT be sleeping tonight.

And it's ONLY going to get worse, fast, as the THC level in my blood continues to fall. I'll try to keep you all informed- depending on well I can type since my hands hurt a LOT and they go downhill FAST...

Friday, May 26, 2017

7:30 PM

And I have been busy until noon. Since noon, I have been... alive anyway. I am so sorry this entry sucks. I suck. Obviously :)

Thursday, May 25, 2017

For the last few years before my wife died,

or possibly JUST the last year before her death, all I read was ZOMBIE books. Zombie story stories, zombie novels. It was ALL I read. I've always liked the ROMERO type zombie, but I was FIXATED.

After my wife died, it continued. ALL I read, for 2 solid years after she died, was zombie books. Zombie collections. Zombie short stories.

The living dead. The dead returned.

The monkey's paw.

This last year I have been reading NON-zombie fiction again, hence my return to the POLITY universe of NEAL ASHER. I don't read a TON anymore (no more physical books- no more room for books :( and most of it is on my late wife's kindle fire but I do read.

And not JUST about the dead returned, or the living dealing with the loss of a loved one.

It just might be... a healthy turn.

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

I fell asleep for HOURS

in my recliner. Man, I was out and I am disoriented and very upset with myself.

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Well, while I didn't fall asleep last night...

It still wasn't a very good night. My apologies. I will start streaming to the world soon, I promise! I have to- it's IMPORTANT. :)

Back later :)

Monday, May 22, 2017

I must have more tired yesterday than I thought!

I check today's date and it turns out I missed a whole day blogging again. It might be that daily is a bit much for me... or I need to buck down and get to it :)

One or the other.

Saturday, May 20, 2017

Not quite sure how I am going to do this

Because of various reasons, I have tried sleeping in my recliner this evening because I don't have any RSO to sleep in my bed. So when I do try, I might be able to sleep for an hour or so. Going to be fun, being awake and wandering the house when my housemates are trying to sleep.

Friday, May 19, 2017

I am not going to give up on this blog!

I apologize to the 2 or 3 people that read this blog, other than myself :), for not being as daily as I had planned on being. I WILL do better. How can I bolster my new media empire if I don't actually POST! :)

Take care and I will do better!

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

It has not been a good month for me.

In fact, not for ANYONE in my household. We got hit by a bunch of stealth charges that went and whammed us below what we needed to have... now it's a challenge to get enough CANNABIS for the three of us.

My need for cannabis is, arguably, greater than that of my housemates. Without cannabis, I will become bedridden. I'm getting close to that NOW since we are so low on cash- we cannot buy the cannabis we all need. My hands are so sore I can barely use them; my left hip feels like there is broken glass grinding in it with every movement; every joint, every nerve receptor, is YELLING right now because my fibromyalgia is not being treated appropriately.

My housemates are in better shape but they still require cannabis themselves- SHE has enough physical and mental issues from her childhood that without cannabis she does not do well; HE needs cannabis or HE hurts and his mood bottoms out.

We are all in bad shape right now and hurting. Life is fun :)

Take care and hope to keep posting!

Monday, May 15, 2017

Yesterday was a weird day

After I went to lunch with my sister whom I have not seen for ten years, I just felt weird and tired. Didn't get much done at ALL. Reminders of mortality, I think, since my sister is 50 and... looking her age, and her daughter was there and ALL her children are in their mid to late 20's, and mY kids are getting older...

Mortality. How nice to remember that one day I will DIE.


Saturday, May 13, 2017

Well, Starting TOMORROW

is what I meant, obviously. Now I don't want to make this just a throwaway post because then I am doing myself and you no favors at all. And yet at the moment, I am unable to really sit and type a moire substantive post; for this, I most sincerely apologize.  I wish I had it in me to deliver a post of actual import but for many reasons, one of them sheer tiredness, I am unable to maintain a clear thread in my head.

So I hope tomorrow I will be able to type sentences and phrases that actually mean something. Take care my friends and best of luck.

Friday, May 12, 2017

Now that I have gotten into the habit of daily posting...

Even though the post may not be worth much! But NOW the challenge is to make posts of substance and size! So, starting on the morrow, I will be not only posting daily on my blog but making substantive posts- of over 2,000 words. This is insanity and unsustainable. So let's begin! :)

Wednesday, May 10, 2017

Getting closer to livestreaming on Twitch!

Especially since HITBOX.TV is now SMASHCAST and I can no longer sign into it. But that works! My new streaming URL is

So very cool!

Tuesday, May 9, 2017

I spent all day with an online friend

trying to get my comp to be able to stream. Oh, we spent HOURS. We did a lot and figured a bunch out, but at the same time, we aren't done yet!

Got a huge headache and fell asleep for 2 hours at the end of it as well!

Monday, May 8, 2017

Sorry I Missed Yesterday

I've been in such a mental mess of late and what with my bankruptcy court meeting today, I just didn't get it done and I am so sorry.

Saturday, May 6, 2017

Well, At Least I Have SOMETHING Done :)

Oh man, re-installing all the software I use on a daily basis is such a pain. MAN I hate all this  anymore! Takes so much time. Oh well!

Hopefully later today I will have more to say. We shall see! :) Take care everyone!

Friday, May 5, 2017

Oh man

Last night, Microsoft was supposed to update my computer with the new Creators Update!

When I came into my "studio", I discovered my comp was black screened, with the words BOOTMGR MISSING press ctr alt del to continue

And that was that. My comp was dead.

I've since managed to re-format and reinstall Win7, tho I am updating now. I need to upgrade to Win10, sadly, as a lot of my software for the channel now requires Win10. Sigh.

No videos for this day likely- it's almost 11 AM and I';m still updating Win7.


Not to mention Windows still doesn't see my 1 terabyte hybrid drive, a mix between an ssd drive and a standard drive.


Thursday, May 4, 2017

I Am So Sorry AGAIN

After the power came back yesterday I didn't have a lot of oomph in me to do a bunch of stuff and I kept putting off entering into the blog because I could always do it later...

Then I started falling asleep in my chair...

...then it was time to go to bed, and now it's the next DAY...

I am so sorry :(

I promise myself to do better THIS time :)

Tuesday, May 2, 2017

I AM So Ashamed Of My Behavior Yesterday

Not that I did anything terrible. I'm just shocked and horrified that I couldn't control my actions. Normally my control is tight enough that I can feel terrible inside but hide it- and yesterday, I could not control my depression and mood...

I am so sorry :(

Monday, May 1, 2017

I Have No Idea What Is Going On In My Body

I started off feeling great. Then started getting depressed. Then got BADLY depressed. Took a shower, started feeling better. Now I am unaccountably PISSED OFF at the world and I don't know WHY. Today is a weird day and I am very sorry, world :(